This piece is based on a story that my sister relayed to me about her shenanigans in America. It’s called ‘UBER NIGHT’ and it’s a monologue…
This is 100% what she sounds like on the phone when she’s drunk af.
Okay… Okay (omg, shut up, it’s fine)
Right, so, last night..?
(it’s fine, it’s fine, omg)
Last night was Valentineee’s. Me and ma gurls went out. Yeah. Like out to the nearest cleuurb, right? It was a bar but *vom* w/e.
We left The Waffle at home. She has a boyfriend-like, so, w/e.
And…. And (omg, it’s fine/ They’re cool, they’re cool)
So…. Right, we stepped in to this ‘bhharrrrr’, right? And me and Luce took a good look round. Like a reall guuuuuurd lookround, ya no wot I meen *wink*
Right, so, I see these guys. Our age -ish. Reeeeal cute-like. And this guy swam right up to me. Me. And he was the hottest – just sayin’ (yeah, was was ….. alright w/e)
Myself and Billie, Billie and I, sorry propurr grammar yeah, we chatted and chatted about stuff. Like Trump and the Bee problem and Katy Perry (omg how dare she slam Britney after all she’s been through…….. omg I know, right?)
Anyway, wtf was Luce doing?! She was in the corner chatting to some funky old man whilst Billie and I were chatting to these absolute. Sex. Gods… W/e she’s a grown woman, she can do w/e the fuck she wants.
‘I’m busy. I’m, busyyyy!’
Next minute, right, we’re in the bathroom. ‘Right Luce, I know it’s tough, The Waffle is back with her boyfriend and you know what? Valentine’s is a tough day for everyone. You’re not the only single one here.’ … Luce pulls out a tiny bag and a straw. A fucking straw. ‘Errmmmmmmmm okay?’
‘Maddie. That guy.’
‘Omg who the fuck was that guy.’
‘He gave me this. It’s cool, it’s totally fucking chill. It’s fucking fridge, man. Freezer.’
Yeah. So I empty it out onto the seat, you know like the top of our bathroom at home, only it’s a public bathroom, right, w/e… And I get out my travel card (I’ve seen the movies) and I play with it a little… Like, it’s in two lines right now.’
Fucking hell, next minute, we’re back with Billie…
‘OMG – everyone – aren’t Maddie and Luce so fucking pissed. Look at them omg *laugh laugh laugh*’
I just wanna dance, you know. Dance dance dance. Shake it off.
Okay, though, okay.
It’s time. Let’s get an Uber.
‘Billie, don’t walk off, we’re getting an Uber.’
Tap, tap, tap on my phone. Tap, tap, tap – omg let’s dance. Uber uber uber sexy.
‘OMG, HEY, ARE YOU OUR UBER DRIVER?’
BEST. UBER. EVER. UBER.UBER.
TURN IT THE FUUUUUCK UP, RIGHT?
DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNN AH YOU MAD HUH?
‘Billie, why you so fucking mad man?’
‘Just leave it yeah, let’s just get home. No, no, no. That’s not the road, that’s grass. No, no, no’
Hahaha and this guy. This fucking legend is getting us home no. matter. What. He’s driving over grass and shit, it’s like being in that videogame, you know the one – crazy taxi, yeah, right?
‘Not this road, the next one’
Yeah, yeah w/e. OMG hahahha DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNN WHY BILLIE MAD HUH? IS SHE MAD HUH? IT’S THE NEXT ROAD!!!
‘Shut the fuck up Maddie, this isn’t even a fucking UBER.’
Jesus. We thought The fucking Waffle was a flop, laying at home with her bf, but this gurl right here… I’m fucking Rihanna. Straight off a bald man’s head – like – like in that photo, yeah. Flop off Billie’
Luce and I will be chill in this fricking gansta UBER right, yeah? Totally.
The next morning I woke up – late. Billie goes ‘Hey Maddie, how much did that UBER cost you last night?’
‘I’ll just check my receipts….’*eyebrows raised*
*Me checking my Uber account* ‘OMG….. That wasn’t a fucking Uber. Right, yeah – jokes. Jokes, man – jokes’.